Captain Awesome and the Spacecapades

hey hi hello I deleted my livejournal but if we were buds over there in the olden days I'm still here just
in another form

Oh man, oh man. I was behind on Adventure Time, so we watched the latest two. Simon and Marcy IS less sad than last time but goddamn, still I came away with a heavy heart. (And I couldn't help wondering about the pink goo-- proto P-Bubs? And the green ichor from the mutants strongly reminded me of Slumber Party Panic).

As for other things, I'm sort of filling in the blanks of what I haven't seen of Supernatural to keep from getting stir crazy until next episode airs. Season one is actually better than I'd given it credit for upon initial skimming, though the dialogue is still painful sometimes. Some things are much better in earlier seasons-- for example, in Route 666, I was kind of concerned that the interracial marriage that the plot hinges on would be handled in a way that might make me cringe, but-- no, pretty much everything about it was really good. (Although I cannot take ghost cars seriously. Which is probably a good thing, since unlike ghosts and vampires, I regularly see cars in my life, and being freaked out by them isn't an easy thing to reconcile with daily necessities like going to work.) That said, I plan to binge watch the few episodes I haven't already to keep from driving Danny nuts. This may work partially.

And! AND. Game of Thrones Season 3 has started, and is a delight. Remembering some of the more intricate intrigue going on took me a bit, but fortunately they seemed willing to recap where needed. I'm hoping for more divergence between books and show, since certain characters being more alive or happier than they are at the end of book three would be A-OK with me. For example, Tyrion with nose intact is still preferable to the alternative. (Now if he could just walk out of things without quite EVERYTHING else happening the same way, I would-- I would prefer that. Please? I like Tyrion. P-pretty please?)

In the video gamey side of things, Danny and I have been playing EQII more. I want to give the Ranger class another shot, but it's difficult when it starts out heavily melee oriented. I have the feeling nothing's going to call to me as much as picking Fahliera back up. I really like the wizard class overall, and just-- Iksar, man! I love EQII for giving me so many non-standard racial options, compared to other MMOs. And while I do frequently lament the difficulty I have in getting options to make sexy objectified male characters on MMOs, EQII at least seems to be fairly equal opportunity, with a few exceptions. I really like that the reptilian and amphibian races don't have boobs when they're female; I like that trolls are trolls are trolls, and look terrifyingly ugly no matter what you do with them. And, well, all complaints aside, I've successfully made a couple of guy characters that I'm comfortable with objectifying, so it's not impossible. (I'm sure that sounds terrible. My point is, if we're making it possible to be sexy, it needs to be possible regardless of gender! And well, not gonna lie, I like being sexy in video games.)

My heart still bleeds for City of Heroes. The graphics may have been subpar (especially compared to modern day capabilities now), but I will give it this: since you were a super-hero, unless you went with the HUGE gender, you had a perfect ass in that game. Trust me, if you need anything in an MMO, it's a nice ass to look at. You will be looking at that ass a lot.

I sort of have fallen into the tumblr pit, which is dangerous since it allows me to be the most passive I've ever been in fandom. I get kind of tired just trying to keep up with it, and more often than not feel embarrassed about wasting people's time with my thoughts-- so I rarely find myself providing original content there. But nothing's as satisfying as actually sharing something I made, even if it's a longwinded essay no one will give two shits about! Reblogging is kinda...I feel like, yes I want to share this, but also man, it's like I have no identity. So I might try to pull back from tumblr a bit more again and remember to use DW/LJ more.

And in art class news, my latest is wrapping up but I don't think I've signed up for the next yet, and I'm not sure if the previous was correctly allocated? Tuition benefits are confusing. Had to come home early from work today because I felt like shit, and slept for ages. Hoping to feel more on top of things tomorrow morning, we'll see.

I think I may have been allergic to the antibiotics that I was given for the lingering sickness. I have this lump as if I'd fallen and hit it on a corner on the back of my head now, and to all eyewitness accounts I have done no falling or head-hitting. BUT, I have been a little woozy and had a couple of inexplicable dizzy spells, and after I took the medication I generally felt worse.

The would-be-injury is big, a little sore, a little warm to the touch, and itching, itching, itching. I am fancifully pretending (while hoping that I am only pretending) that the medication has done something off to my brain. It would explain being dizzy and weird, right?

Anyway, the medicine has been taken to its last dosage, I only have a mild cough anymore (and soon, hopefully, not even that), so now I just have to wait out this weird thing on my head.

Itching.

So let me tell you all about Ash.

Achernar Nehara is my character in the latest game, which Danny is running in Paizo's Golarion setting. He's using the Rise of the Runelords adventure path (because why not, but no spoilers please if you've read or played it; D&D's about the only place where I occasionally enjoy being spoiler free more than having spoilers to look forward to. Well, that and presents, because I like the mystery). I tried putting some advice I read somewhere once to use, so Ash is kind of a grandmother.

See, the advice comes from this blog I have sometimes read called Gaming as Women-- this particular article contains advice presumably for men on how to play female characters and not just tokenify or marginalize them.

I happen to be female, so you might think 'what do you even need that advice for?' But here's the tricky thing. I usually crossplay. I crossplay all the time. Half of the reason is that I enjoy male eye candy and personally, I think it's okay to objectify people sexually if everyone is doing it. The other half of the reason is the dark part, which is simply that I feel more comfortable appropriating traditionally male mannerisms and stereotypes than I do being stuck with the traditionally female. I have never ever been comfortable with things that are exemplified as feminine.

It's not that I don't like being pretty (anyone who doesn't has clearly transcended the natural vanity I suspect most humans are born with-- guilty as charged) or wearing skirts and dresses (when I can fit in them anymore-- I used to be much more active and thus more shapely in a way that dressmakers give two flying fucks about) or flowers or nature or feelings or diplomacy or wisdom or resolving conflict or cooking or horses or dragons or pretty boys, or music, or art. I like all those things. I just ALSO like things that boys try to claim for themselves, like history and science and being in charge, and driving and action movies and wrestling (especially the fake stuff) and steak and potatoes and never, ever wearing make-up if I can help it.

It's easier to claim the male things than the female things because I've been doing it for so long it's second nature. So I know it sounds weird, but I felt like I needed that advice from that article as a women who's been playing nothing but men to hide in my comfort zone where I don't have to deal with the sexism that upsets me when I express it myself. Internalized sexism is the most unpleasant to deal with, and we have to acknowledge that we ALL have it. You can't not have it when you grow up in a society that is still so inundated with it.

I'm a woman, and sometimes, I'm sexist against myself. And that? Fucking scares me.

My safe zone, my comfort, is to write male characters a lot. This started probably with me writing too much slash fiction. I think it's important to note that while I wasn't a bad writer in high school, I often felt that I didn't understand how to write about people. Writing fanfiction, slash fiction, allowed me to get better at it. It took years (I think it takes anybody who is serious about writing years to actually get good at it) for me to hit a point where I could write people that felt and acted and breathed and talked like people, and not bad actors. It's also possible that people other than me wouldn't feel that these people I write about feel realistic at all, but I do write as true for myself as I can, and I feel like whatever else I might complain about within my own work, I do know how to write people.

Trouble is, because it was slash fiction, the vast majority of my people are male. Not even because they need intrinsically to be male. Just, somehow, that made my default become dudes, all the time. I don't even feel the need to ship most dudes with dudes, though that has ever been the kneejerk assumption of people who are not so much okay with slash fiction; it's just that it's a safe place for me now. I can write about dudes, and I know them. I live with lots of them in my life as my friends. I can put myself in the shoes of a dude character, and I can see how I as this man would fall in love with something I couldn't have.

Put in a woman, and I get awkward and stiff, like an artist who's been drawing anime style fifteen years who is confronted with a desire to develop a new style. Me! A woman! What business do I have feeling like I don't understand my own gender?

But I don't, not really, anymore than I actually understand men. I understand this kind of ridiculous balance of the two. I understand liking and enjoying things that are considered girly, and things that are considered boyish, and I don't understand the mutual exclusion that both sides seem to imply. I have trouble remembering that, even though there aren't ANY women in media like me, it's okay to write about people like me.

So that article up there is pretty good stuff, and it really helps me to put things in perspective. Maybe I don't need to play a grandmother (Ash is not, as she has never had children.) and maybe I don't have to worry about oversexualizing my character (I have sexualized my male characters, no matter how craggy-faced, so why wouldn't I sexualize Ash in a way I am personally comfortable with? And I have been, though Danny nearly ruined it saying she looked like my mom. Squick.). But having those considerations did help me.

Ash is a grouchy old doctor who happens to be an ex-soldier. She is a cleric who is, quite literally, guarding secrets with her life, secrets she cannot risk letting loose. And I'm excited about playing her.

It took a lot, a lot, a LOT of work for me to get this far. I have boundaries that really need pushing (from me, not an outside source), and a comfort zone that isn't big enough that I know I want to expand continuously. I'm working on it. It's been a very slow burn, but once I finally hit the details of what makes Ash a me-character (ie, needlessly tragic and gruffly badass, generally speaking), I realized I really, really like my character.

So D&D has been pretty awesome. I'd summarize it, but uh, everybody's been doing that pretty AWESOMELY regularly over on the forum, so you can see everyone's take on it there.

Spent the night pretty much reading Supernatural fanfic. Found one author I think is really good, read her stuff. Liked the first one I read best, made Jenn read it.

Spent the day just kind of feeling...yeah. I don't know. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm ready for not feeling sad again.

I keep thinking 'things are going okay at the job now' but I also feel emotionally destroyed all the time, so I'm not sure if it's true. I don't know if that's why I feel so down or not.

This is the story of how I started watching Supernatural. So first, I was aware that there was a show by this title, and it had a towering fandom I wanted nothing to do with. I assumed it was a little like the Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings fandoms, and stayed well clear. I remember being on /y/ from time to time with SPN threads popping up, and anonymous persons getting into screaming matches trying to chase it off.

Again and again, it came back. But, since I do not watch broadcast television as it airs, I never saw previews, or anything, and mostly didn't know it existed.

Enter Tumblr. On tumblr, people reblog animated .gifs of everything. It's the only social networking site currently considered actually relevant that I moderately actively partake in. I enjoy the opportunity to read more about feminism and intersectionality, and I enjoy the funny animated .gifs. And while I became fractionally aware that a lot of my fellows who were already into the show were into it for some guy who was an angel, I actually only noticed Jensen Ackles. He looks and acts a lot like a friend of mine. I like him! But still, didn't go for it until someone reblogged a set of .gifs of Ackles's character getting the tar beat out of him by his mind-controlled friends in various tug-at-heartstrings showdowns.

I posted brazenly in response to this, "Someone tell me what episodes this happens in, and I promise you, I will join the fandom."

I know myself. My dark not-so-secret is that I write excessive amounts of torture and hurt/comfort and any show with hot young folks getting the shit kicked out of them will draw my attention because I want to see how they handle it. And, to a more likely disgusting degree, I know that the violence done to them will generally be portrayed sexily-- instead of unsettlingly-- which is part of why I am a terrible person.

Anyway, so I watched the recommended episodes. Luckily, my parents have a Netflix account, and you can use that on multiple devices. For the sake of making us watch films they recommend that we otherwise would blow them off over, they let us use the account as their second "device". (Kekeke.) The first couple of episodes I watched were in S1 / S2, so no angel guy. I immediately liked Dean as a character. As expected, he looks, acts, and seems to think like my friend. (My friend happens to be a fan I think, too, so this may not be wholly coincidental. But he's a strange one!)

Then I saw episodes with the angel, and I went "Oh! Hey!"

"...stubble!"

"--angels are creepy in this show and not just saccharine bullshit?"

Then I watched THE episode-- the Rapture, where we get to find out who the angel's inhabiting (the whole show is invasion of the body snatchers lite, really-- or Animorphs if you're quirky) and see his side of things and the very first thing I thought upon conclusion of this episode and Castiel's return was "I bet there is fucking mind control torture going on here." I wrote a fic about it. I happened to do all this the same DAY that an episode in the current season (which I hadn't watched yet at the time) aired on the CW-- an episode that confirms, unequivocally, "Yes actually there is mind control torture happening, and here's how".

Now, you have to understand my moderate frustration here (which I am exaggerating for comedic effect; I think it's important to note I'm not actually particularly miffed about being right). I picked up on this immediately. Like, in season 4 of 8(possibly more later, even). My very first thought was "I hope it's this." And it is.

And if I had been in the fandom instead of wisely sidestepping it all this time, I would have been so, so satisfied when season 8 began to air only to confirm the idea. Damn!

I bought Dredd.

Have been watching more Supernatural here and there. I am still 100% into Misha Collins. He is awesome, and Castiel is a great character. He's too serious to be serious. He's just silly most of the time, and when he actually flips back around into serious towne again he's so wonderfully earnest about it. I like that.

I cannot stand the CW (which once was the WB) nonsense where the characters constantly are Lying to Each Other about Feelings and Stuff, especially all the bullshit between Sam and Dean. I can't stand the laziness of the writing that is designed to just cosmically fuck Sam over and make him into a bad person by dint of being treated like a piece of shit by everyone he ever held dear-- and then Sam doesn't actually turn out to be that bad a guy, but every decision he makes just happens to be the wrong one. More than that, Dean sanctimonious righteous assholes all over the place about it. I hate that.

I could really, seriously live without the every-ten-seconds heart to hearts between these guys. The show jokes about how unhealthy their brothership is. I basically can't even pretend to be upset about the incest porn I know has built a tower unto the heavens for this fandom, because the show is DARING people to write it.

I can't stand the treatment of women. I cannot stand it. Women are summarily dismissed. If they appear, they are either evil (possessed by demons or otherwise), or they will die, usually pretty shortly after they appear. They get slut-shamed and punched in the face, and killed. Sometimes I can ignore it, but generally it's just awful. There's also a tremendous lack of PoC in the show, except as canon fodder or bad guys. NOT EXACTLY A GOOD IMAGE TO BE PRESENTING, GUYS. Like, what the fuck. Backwards much? Kevin Tran is at least a positive character, but of course, he is still only the accepted stereotypical "Asian Kid Who Studies Too Hard" when first he appears. Later on he seems to have gotten some pretty awesome development, which I'm grateful for.

Dean is very likeable, despite otherwise being a douchey California bro. (Sam is those things but generally not likeable. Although in season 6! Man, I like soulless Sam. He's pretty fucking awesome.)

And did I mention buying Dredd? I mentioned that, by the way, because it was an excellent movie, and you should watch it. Karl Urban sports the most epic of frowns. Lena Headey is amazing. Olivia Thirlby is the best damned rookie cop that ever came on the force.

Oh, but. Lots of violence. I swear you will barely notice. Most of it is rainbow-hue!

Thanks to Manly Guys Doing Manly Things I have now played and beaten the Burrito Bison Game and its sequel, and highly recommend them to anyone who doesn't mind playing a flash game for about six hours (for both games): Here's the first one.

I have now finished my work for my history of animation class; just have to do my final project for the life drawing one and then it's all over. Kinda relieved!

...that indicate a detour or wrong turn into white guilt, denial or defensiveness.

The essay / .pdf is here.

Number 8 especially spoke to me. I have several students who try to justify racist stories they begin to tell me on the phone with this rationale, and this is one hard line I do take at work:

"But what about me? Look how I've been hurt, oppressed, exploited..."

REALITY CHECK + CONSEQUENCE:
This diminishes the experience of people of color by telling our own story of hardship. We lose an opportunity to learn more about the experience of racism from a person of color, while we minimize their experience by trying to make it comparable or less painful than ours.

So, there's an upcoming Pathfinder game! I'm very stoked for it. Our new internet friend Myra will be joining us, and preludes start tomorrow. Here's the cast thus far, and my guesses as to their personalities/roles based on what I know so far about them:

Zeldana - (Bret) - 19 - A Varisian Bard who recently lost her family unexpectedly to the Szcarni (think mafia) while she was away on personal business. An ex-pacifist who has taken up arm to defend herself, and seeks to humiliate the people who destroyed her family by tricking them out of their power and fortune as punishment for their crime. - I'm pegging her as our dashing Captain Kirk

Xenvia - (Myra) - 23 - Hailing from Kaer Maga, a half-elf whose elven parent was a drow father. She works as a ranger, and has served the borderguard in her hometown for a few years. She is a strong and fearless warrior, having seen horrors the likes of which no one would ever want to see in her rounds as a protector of her homeland. - Spock.

Coral - (Dustin) - 20 - A mermaid who previously was a member of the circus! Coral is young and curious about the world, and though it's not easy to get around as a mermaid, she tries to make do, and is determined to learn more about her origins and the rest of the world. - Chekov.

Achernar - (Myself) - 47 - A military veteran who now works as a part-time bouncer and doctor in the Magnimar tavern, Fang. She has poor bedside manner and a very short temper. - Bones.

??? - (Derek) - ?? - A monk on a noble steed. - ???

??? - (Melissa) - ?? - A dashing Dhampir, who is either an Alchemist or a Ninja. - ???

Yay Pathfinder!

Other news: We hit up no less than four stores today before Danny was able to locate the Rise of the Runelords adventure compilation he has been trying to get a copy of lately. Along the way, I picked up some G. K. Chesteron and the Arabian Nights collection that Barnes and Noble had on sale for 8$.

We also got to spend some time hanging out with Emma earlier today! It was great fun, and we played some boardgames together. It was a nice day!

Last night after Danny had to hit the hay for work, I showed Dustin The Mummy and The Mummy Returns because he'd never seen them, and I hadn't seen those two in easily upwards of six years, maybe ten. They are still fun and fantastic, even if the CGI is, well, notably CGI.

It was nice to see them again, though The Mummy Returns unfortunately makes Evelyn WAY less interesting. Since she has a kid (who actively decries that she's not capable of protecting herself and should call her husband for help-- wow, I hate this kid) she suddenly cares more about the kid than anything else. This would be fine, actually, because so does Brendan Fraser's character, but for some reason he doesn't lose his other motivations to this overpowering Protect My Child impulse-- but she does.

I want to be snarky about the "past life" dreams, but honestly they're a great excuse for more information about Anack-su-namun or however it's spelled (the subtitles were not internally consistent, so...I'm really not sure!), so I didn't care too much that they were SUPER CHEESY. I would like for more people to have past lives that are just normal. "I used to be a peasant worker in Egypt in 3000 B.C." is actually not done at all! Just think of the possibilities!

I'm actually curious to see The Scorpion King, which I never have (nor had wanted to) before, solely because I enjoyed the heck out of watching Danny play through the Attitude Era storylines in THQ's latest WWE game. I actually like The Rock in his acting career, and apparently I also like him in his wrestling career, because in no time at all I was demanding that we do the People's Elbow if Danny happened to be playing as the Rock in a particular fight. (Cheesy is definitely appealing to me!) Basically, it seems like I'd get to see some actual acting on part of The Rock there, instead of him spending the movie pretty much dead.

I am a little disappointed, but I probably will not be going with Danny to see Django Unchained. Early on I was excited, but I became concerned that there would be another graphic rape scene. So yesterday I explained to Danny that this was why I hadn't been gung-ho to go see the movie right on release. He looked into it, and said the internet was divided. Probably there was a rape scene, given that those claiming there wasn't were the less credible group.

I looked into it further, today; I read an essay about the movie and found that someone had posted a video of the rape scene. You know, in case you wanted to watch it again after the movie, I guess. I checked the video just to see how long it is.

Eight minutes.

I really wanted to see the movie, because I love Jamie Foxx and I'm excited to see him on screen. But I really don't want to see an eight minute long rape scene, either.

If I go, I'm walking out of the theater for those eight minutes. Because wow. No, thank you.

My weekend was nice. I did some homework and saw my mom (she's doing okay and needed a hug and wants to shower but can't because of her cast and is overall still pretty good) and went to get pictures framed, and hung out with Dusty and Danny and made a wrestling character for Faure with the WWE wrestling game Danny got from Anne before she moved away.

Also, I paid some small attention to fandom. And I'm sorry, Rise of the Guardians fandom, but I don't think it's possible to write sexy porn while having a character who is having sex call out to "the boogieman". You tried, fandom, you tried. Allow me to pat you reassuringly on the shoulder.

Anyway, yes. Did see the Hobbit with Danny and that was fun. Endured teasing by waitstaff at Denny's for wearing a cloak, which I'm sure they thought was cosplay (it was 32F and RAINING outside! When is there ever a better time to wear a cloak, plz.) but got to enjoy the movie, more or less. The trouble is, we'd read this article from the Onion before going so when Bilbo wakes up before he joins the Dwarves on their journey, we both were immediately in stitches, laughing silently (but breathlessly) for like, ten minutes.

It was awesome. They kept in the STONE GIANTS! That was awesome.