That was a test of character, I think
Friday, August 10th, 2012 05:26 pmWhew. Today had three tough moments for me.
Moment 1: Went to a greek food place with a couple of my coworkers. There, my direct coworker-- one of the two single Mormon guys constantly talking about girlsgirlsgirls that I work closely with, but this is the one I think is all right--outlined his latest scheme for trying to befriend the cute girl that he hopes might be into him, if he gets to know her better.
This was all well and good (and kind of funny) until my lady coworker who I'd brought with me decided to weigh in that it's Not Okay To Have Friends Of the Opposite Gender Because You Will Want To Have Sex With Them.
This was only slightly less awkward than yesterday when she gave me a speech about how I just have to try having a kid if I'm able to do so, because pregnancy is 'an experience'. But then it quickly escalated into extremely awkward! Because when I disagreed strongly with the incredibly backwards notion that one should not have friends of the opposite sex on the grounds that that attitude encourages and breeds SERIOUS mistrust, disrespect and rudeness between you and your presumed romantic partner, lady coworker went on to try to prove her point by saying 'What if your male friends who you hang out with told you 'I really really like you?', how would you feel?'
I had to finally say 'we can't have this discussion. I'm sorry.'
How do you explain to someone who's OBVIOUSLY not even considering what it's like to be gay, let alone the emotionally abusive environment that their attitude is designed to create?
How do you explain:
1. I'm bisexual. If not pansexual. Physically, I'm attracted to people regardless of their gender. It's personality that is most important to me, and if I like someone's personality, I'm attracted to them. I also have self-control, and BECAUSE I trust my partners, I would tell them if I was feeling attracted to someone I had not previously been with. LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
2. Also, I am polyamorous. I am in an open relationship and I hope to continue to be in one. I am the WRONG person to be turning to to make your argument, but I also can tell by the way you asked that question that you will not respond well to this revelation. And quite frankly? It's none of your business, anyway.
So that was pretty bad, and was very awkward on top of things like...our food not arriving until pretty much the end of the lunch hour.
Moment 2: On the phone with a student who is doing a very poor job of not being a racist sexist homophobe, when I suggested she might want to change her essay topic since she's picking one that's very difficult to research for her ("I couldn't find sources for my arbitrarily chosen research topics" is not an acceptable excuse for giving up and failing to do the work, sorry), she suddenly started going off about how Obama isn't legitimately a citizen of the US, blah blah blah.
I could possibly get a warning or fired for my response, I'm not sure, but I responded, all right.
No. No. No. That's not true. It has been verified multiple times. I would know, trust me, I live in the embarrassing state where this nonsense has been perpetuated the most. This is not a valid topic because you are founding your entire theory on a falsehood that has no basis in fact, and you're supposed to be comparing and contrasting things.
I swear, if this woman decides to do it tomorrow (because she was clearly entertained by my response), I will tell her I cannot help her with her paper and that will be the end of it.
Moment 3: This is the good one! The surprising one.
I'd mentioned that one of my coworkers was talking about women on a 1-10 scale the other week, and it really offended me. He was doing the same today (the worst part is, he's calling them like, 3 or 4s. So it's like triple offensive), apparently to tease Awkward Mormon Coworker who is trying to date that girl he likes in roundabout fashion.
It went something like this:
Coworker: No, man, like I keep telling you, haha! She's like, a 4.
Dev: Can we just not. Not have this conversation, please?
Coworker: [startled, and genuinely embarrassed look] Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. You're absolutely right.
Both of the other guys who were participating: Sorry! We weren't thinking. Sorry.
Dev: Thank you. I don't mean to ruin your fun or anything, but that is really offensive to me.
Coworker: It's cool. I shouldn't be talking about that at work anyway, I just was teasing him and I didn't think.
That pretty much made my day in an extremely positive way, because I was worried about how that conversation was going to go down. Between that, and getting to connect with fellow nerdy coworker about Star Wars and being excited for Bourne Legacy, my day ended really well. It was just shaky in the middle with those two crazy moments, there!
Edit: Listening to Rocky Horror Show to comfort myself. Oh, Tim Curry. You sing so wonderfully. ♥
Edit edit: Man the first moment, though. It included such unintentionally insightful moments as "What, are you really such a different person between work and home?" "...yes."
But is it really that I'm different? Not so much-- but I AM going to keep my interest in feminism and equal rights to a minimum because I can read the attitudes of the people around me and I haven't gotten the definite impression that there is tolerance of pansexuality, homosexuality, gender role equalization, or polygamy. Let alone of non-standard religious beliefs! I'm still pleased that the workplace population is pretty dang diverse, but the problem with religious differences, sexual preference differences, etc., is that they aren't obvious on a glance. So people who have a specific set are completely comfortable with assuming that everyone around them PROBABLY feels the same way. People have to speak up to let it be known that they actually don't agree; and how likely am I to speak up when I feel that everyone around me is religious and say "I strongly dislike the religion you follow, its teachings, and its policies with regards to how to treat women, homosexuality in either gender, and in many cases, people who don't happen to be white"?
Not very, you know? I neither desire to be ostracized, nor to be disliked, nor especially to suffer attempts to "bring me around" to a perspective I find fundamentally flawed and offensive. So I'm fine with playing it safe, being observant of the people around me and carefully not stating my own preferences unless it becomes necessary to do so for my own integrity.
Part of me feels a little like a coward. I wish I could just have stood right there and told my lady coworker, "Your notions do not apply to me because, if I also liked that friend in a romantic way, I would add that friend-- regardless of gender-- to my open relationship, and if not, we would talk about it like adults." But I wasn't comfortable with telling her that today-- or, maybe, I wasn't comfortable with telling her while my Mormon coworker was nearby, since I have to sit next to him. I like her, and I'd like to think she might be capable of understanding with time. I don't know, though.
Maybe I will tell her on Monday. I do think we need to talk, anyway. I'll have to think about it.
Moment 1: Went to a greek food place with a couple of my coworkers. There, my direct coworker-- one of the two single Mormon guys constantly talking about girlsgirlsgirls that I work closely with, but this is the one I think is all right--outlined his latest scheme for trying to befriend the cute girl that he hopes might be into him, if he gets to know her better.
This was all well and good (and kind of funny) until my lady coworker who I'd brought with me decided to weigh in that it's Not Okay To Have Friends Of the Opposite Gender Because You Will Want To Have Sex With Them.
This was only slightly less awkward than yesterday when she gave me a speech about how I just have to try having a kid if I'm able to do so, because pregnancy is 'an experience'. But then it quickly escalated into extremely awkward! Because when I disagreed strongly with the incredibly backwards notion that one should not have friends of the opposite sex on the grounds that that attitude encourages and breeds SERIOUS mistrust, disrespect and rudeness between you and your presumed romantic partner, lady coworker went on to try to prove her point by saying 'What if your male friends who you hang out with told you 'I really really like you?', how would you feel?'
I had to finally say 'we can't have this discussion. I'm sorry.'
How do you explain to someone who's OBVIOUSLY not even considering what it's like to be gay, let alone the emotionally abusive environment that their attitude is designed to create?
How do you explain:
1. I'm bisexual. If not pansexual. Physically, I'm attracted to people regardless of their gender. It's personality that is most important to me, and if I like someone's personality, I'm attracted to them. I also have self-control, and BECAUSE I trust my partners, I would tell them if I was feeling attracted to someone I had not previously been with. LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
2. Also, I am polyamorous. I am in an open relationship and I hope to continue to be in one. I am the WRONG person to be turning to to make your argument, but I also can tell by the way you asked that question that you will not respond well to this revelation. And quite frankly? It's none of your business, anyway.
So that was pretty bad, and was very awkward on top of things like...our food not arriving until pretty much the end of the lunch hour.
Moment 2: On the phone with a student who is doing a very poor job of not being a racist sexist homophobe, when I suggested she might want to change her essay topic since she's picking one that's very difficult to research for her ("I couldn't find sources for my arbitrarily chosen research topics" is not an acceptable excuse for giving up and failing to do the work, sorry), she suddenly started going off about how Obama isn't legitimately a citizen of the US, blah blah blah.
I could possibly get a warning or fired for my response, I'm not sure, but I responded, all right.
No. No. No. That's not true. It has been verified multiple times. I would know, trust me, I live in the embarrassing state where this nonsense has been perpetuated the most. This is not a valid topic because you are founding your entire theory on a falsehood that has no basis in fact, and you're supposed to be comparing and contrasting things.
I swear, if this woman decides to do it tomorrow (because she was clearly entertained by my response), I will tell her I cannot help her with her paper and that will be the end of it.
Moment 3: This is the good one! The surprising one.
I'd mentioned that one of my coworkers was talking about women on a 1-10 scale the other week, and it really offended me. He was doing the same today (the worst part is, he's calling them like, 3 or 4s. So it's like triple offensive), apparently to tease Awkward Mormon Coworker who is trying to date that girl he likes in roundabout fashion.
It went something like this:
Coworker: No, man, like I keep telling you, haha! She's like, a 4.
Dev: Can we just not. Not have this conversation, please?
Coworker: [startled, and genuinely embarrassed look] Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. You're absolutely right.
Both of the other guys who were participating: Sorry! We weren't thinking. Sorry.
Dev: Thank you. I don't mean to ruin your fun or anything, but that is really offensive to me.
Coworker: It's cool. I shouldn't be talking about that at work anyway, I just was teasing him and I didn't think.
That pretty much made my day in an extremely positive way, because I was worried about how that conversation was going to go down. Between that, and getting to connect with fellow nerdy coworker about Star Wars and being excited for Bourne Legacy, my day ended really well. It was just shaky in the middle with those two crazy moments, there!
Edit: Listening to Rocky Horror Show to comfort myself. Oh, Tim Curry. You sing so wonderfully. ♥
Edit edit: Man the first moment, though. It included such unintentionally insightful moments as "What, are you really such a different person between work and home?" "...yes."
But is it really that I'm different? Not so much-- but I AM going to keep my interest in feminism and equal rights to a minimum because I can read the attitudes of the people around me and I haven't gotten the definite impression that there is tolerance of pansexuality, homosexuality, gender role equalization, or polygamy. Let alone of non-standard religious beliefs! I'm still pleased that the workplace population is pretty dang diverse, but the problem with religious differences, sexual preference differences, etc., is that they aren't obvious on a glance. So people who have a specific set are completely comfortable with assuming that everyone around them PROBABLY feels the same way. People have to speak up to let it be known that they actually don't agree; and how likely am I to speak up when I feel that everyone around me is religious and say "I strongly dislike the religion you follow, its teachings, and its policies with regards to how to treat women, homosexuality in either gender, and in many cases, people who don't happen to be white"?
Not very, you know? I neither desire to be ostracized, nor to be disliked, nor especially to suffer attempts to "bring me around" to a perspective I find fundamentally flawed and offensive. So I'm fine with playing it safe, being observant of the people around me and carefully not stating my own preferences unless it becomes necessary to do so for my own integrity.
Part of me feels a little like a coward. I wish I could just have stood right there and told my lady coworker, "Your notions do not apply to me because, if I also liked that friend in a romantic way, I would add that friend-- regardless of gender-- to my open relationship, and if not, we would talk about it like adults." But I wasn't comfortable with telling her that today-- or, maybe, I wasn't comfortable with telling her while my Mormon coworker was nearby, since I have to sit next to him. I like her, and I'd like to think she might be capable of understanding with time. I don't know, though.
Maybe I will tell her on Monday. I do think we need to talk, anyway. I'll have to think about it.
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