dev_chieftain (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dev_chieftain) wrote2012-06-12 02:01 pm
dev_chieftain) wrote2012-06-12 02:01 pm
Sometimes, I tell this story
Radicalizing Consent Towards Implementing an Affirmative Consent Model in New York's Rape Law
Good proposal, I think.
It reminded me of the time that we were sitting around the apartment. Tony, who kept going out on the landing for smoke breaks, was outside for yet another. We commented on it, and I locked the door, saying 'well, he can't come back in now, it's too late.'
There was laughter in response to this; eventually, Tony finished his cigarette and tried to open the door, only to find that it was locked. Annoyed, he knocked, and after a few moments, I laughingly unlatched it from where I was sitting on the couch to let him back in.
Tony entered the apartment, and put his hands around my neck as if to choke me.
My response was, obviously, to get to my feet and immediately demand he leave my apartment. You DO NOT do this, I told him. Get the HELL out of my apartment. That is NOT okay.
The response of the assembled, entirely male group? Uncomfortable silence. "Geez, ___. You're overreacting."
"He was only playing around."
"You should have known better, Tony does that to everybody."
Not one of my friends (and these include my very close ones) stood up for me, or understood why I would feel threatened and frightened by someone even pretending to choke me. I don't doubt that they said to themselves after they left that night (I told Tony he didn't have to leave, and we played the game for another hour or whatever), "Man, ___. Talk about crazy." Or "Why did ___ make such a big deal over nothing? Sheesh." I know for a fact that THEY all disapproved of me until I finally called Tony to leave a voicemail saying "Hey, we're still buds, right? I didn't know you were going to do something like that, and I just want you to know, I'm not comfortable with it-- but I didn't mean to shout at you. Sorry, man."
When I brought this up with some of my friends, their response was "Well, if you wanted to be treated like one of the guys, we figured that meant being included in the way Tony plays around."
Important points:
1. I had no idea that he did this.
2. Being one of the guys =/= signing on for play-choking.
3. I don't want to 'be one of the guys' so much as I want to be treated like a human being, just as I would treat any of my friends, regardless of gender...but if that means being 'one of the guys' so that I don't get treated like I'm different just because I'm a girl, then so be it.
This particular instance was really unsettling for me. Nothing bad actually happened, thank goodness, but I think it's not unreasonable to be freaked out by someone putting their hands around your neck as if they're going to kill you, whether in play-anger or otherwise. When I play-punch people, I don't make contact with them, I move my fist slowly across the air in front of them, so they'll know I'm not actually threatening them. The times that I have failed to avoid making contact, I've been at risk of hurting someone, and I don't like that.
I don't think it's okay for people to do stuff like this without getting consent. And this applies to things other than rape. If your friend just doesn't like playing basketball with you, you shouldn't drag your friend into playing basketball with you. It applies to every facet of life, and really, it's not at ALL hard to remember to ask.
Edit: Actually, another really good example, from a friend's life (not my own). He was at a friend's house, and hungry. When his friend offered him a sandwich, he said "Sure!". However, this friend has particular tastes and certain foods actively make him ill, so he can't eat them without risking throwing up. The friend, either not knowing or not caring about this, started to prepare him a sandwich made 75% out of things he didn't want to risk eating, and then became extremely angry at him when he said "oh, never mind. I can wait, I don't want to eat that!"
Another friend who was hanging out with him took the side of the friend putting together the sandwich. Let's try to put this in context.
In this situation:
"You look like you're in the mood. Wanna have sex?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, we're going to do it from this position that you don't like. Get ready."
"Um...I've changed my mind, and don't want to have sex anymore."
It would be wrong to insist on continuing to have sex, and it would be wrong to demonize the person who doesn't want to consent to sex in a way that was unpleasant to them. Consent is important in every aspect of life, not just sexual aspects. So if your friend wants to go to the movies until you suggest seeing a film that they clearly don't want to see...respect your friend, instead of berating them for not wanting to see something they know they won't like.
Good proposal, I think.
It reminded me of the time that we were sitting around the apartment. Tony, who kept going out on the landing for smoke breaks, was outside for yet another. We commented on it, and I locked the door, saying 'well, he can't come back in now, it's too late.'
There was laughter in response to this; eventually, Tony finished his cigarette and tried to open the door, only to find that it was locked. Annoyed, he knocked, and after a few moments, I laughingly unlatched it from where I was sitting on the couch to let him back in.
Tony entered the apartment, and put his hands around my neck as if to choke me.
My response was, obviously, to get to my feet and immediately demand he leave my apartment. You DO NOT do this, I told him. Get the HELL out of my apartment. That is NOT okay.
The response of the assembled, entirely male group? Uncomfortable silence. "Geez, ___. You're overreacting."
"He was only playing around."
"You should have known better, Tony does that to everybody."
Not one of my friends (and these include my very close ones) stood up for me, or understood why I would feel threatened and frightened by someone even pretending to choke me. I don't doubt that they said to themselves after they left that night (I told Tony he didn't have to leave, and we played the game for another hour or whatever), "Man, ___. Talk about crazy." Or "Why did ___ make such a big deal over nothing? Sheesh." I know for a fact that THEY all disapproved of me until I finally called Tony to leave a voicemail saying "Hey, we're still buds, right? I didn't know you were going to do something like that, and I just want you to know, I'm not comfortable with it-- but I didn't mean to shout at you. Sorry, man."
When I brought this up with some of my friends, their response was "Well, if you wanted to be treated like one of the guys, we figured that meant being included in the way Tony plays around."
Important points:
1. I had no idea that he did this.
2. Being one of the guys =/= signing on for play-choking.
3. I don't want to 'be one of the guys' so much as I want to be treated like a human being, just as I would treat any of my friends, regardless of gender...but if that means being 'one of the guys' so that I don't get treated like I'm different just because I'm a girl, then so be it.
This particular instance was really unsettling for me. Nothing bad actually happened, thank goodness, but I think it's not unreasonable to be freaked out by someone putting their hands around your neck as if they're going to kill you, whether in play-anger or otherwise. When I play-punch people, I don't make contact with them, I move my fist slowly across the air in front of them, so they'll know I'm not actually threatening them. The times that I have failed to avoid making contact, I've been at risk of hurting someone, and I don't like that.
I don't think it's okay for people to do stuff like this without getting consent. And this applies to things other than rape. If your friend just doesn't like playing basketball with you, you shouldn't drag your friend into playing basketball with you. It applies to every facet of life, and really, it's not at ALL hard to remember to ask.
Edit: Actually, another really good example, from a friend's life (not my own). He was at a friend's house, and hungry. When his friend offered him a sandwich, he said "Sure!". However, this friend has particular tastes and certain foods actively make him ill, so he can't eat them without risking throwing up. The friend, either not knowing or not caring about this, started to prepare him a sandwich made 75% out of things he didn't want to risk eating, and then became extremely angry at him when he said "oh, never mind. I can wait, I don't want to eat that!"
Another friend who was hanging out with him took the side of the friend putting together the sandwich. Let's try to put this in context.
In this situation:
"You look like you're in the mood. Wanna have sex?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, we're going to do it from this position that you don't like. Get ready."
"Um...I've changed my mind, and don't want to have sex anymore."
It would be wrong to insist on continuing to have sex, and it would be wrong to demonize the person who doesn't want to consent to sex in a way that was unpleasant to them. Consent is important in every aspect of life, not just sexual aspects. So if your friend wants to go to the movies until you suggest seeing a film that they clearly don't want to see...respect your friend, instead of berating them for not wanting to see something they know they won't like.