Dev, why don't you ever finish things?

[dev_chieftain]

It goes something like this:

Step 1: I'm sick of books and short stories that don't represent women as being interesting enough to be main characters! I'm going to write something with a female main character. And while I'm at it, I'm pretty sick of heteronormative white-out crap, too!

Step 2: Okay but if I put everything on that character then it just feels like I'm trying to scream about social issues. I can make the entire SETTING more interesting. In fact, I have to, because if it's implied that my main character is unusual because she's a) a woman b) not white or c) not straight, then that implies that only SPECIAL PEOPLE are these things, and that's screwy too. (Edited to add: This doesn't even take into account the fact that I never, ever write romances if I can help it because I'm so so sick of them.)

Step 3: (usually about two weeks later) Whew! OKAY! I've written up complete treatment for the setting's social policies (or lack of distinction about them), named species of unusual plants and animals, planned out three or four cities and towns that the character can go to, and described the geography of the surrounding area. Time to write!

Step 4: (inevitably) oh my god I'm being preachy aren't I? Everyone hates preachy stuff! And is anything even happening in this story? I mean I know she's saving the world / rescuing the person(s) she loves / going on an adventure after a mysterious treasure / trying to clear her name of that crime she didn't commit / building the most incredible robot / exploring to try to bring fame and fortune to her hometown / just trying to get back home now that she's lost / just doing her best to stay alive in the middle of a war, but WHO CARES about that?

Step 5: WHAT AM I DOING

Step 6: Indefinite hiatus at whatever stage of completion the project has reached until I can convince myself anybody would ever care

And now you know!

I'm struggling with myself right now because I'm super-inspired, as Claire has finished Shadowstalkers, which is a book I saw the original draft for back in high school. SO I AM EXCITED but oh my goodness can I actually finish anything? Come ON, self.

Edit: And this is why I rarely play women in tabletop games:

Step 1: I'm going to play a girl this time!

Step 2: ...I'm less comfortable doing the horrible backstory thing to a lady than a dude. Uh, well, I could play like a kind of airheaded girl, that's fun!

Step 3: What does she look like? Hmm, well...I guess kind of young-- *societal conditioning kicks in* And PRETTY! I wouldn't want to be ugly, I-- *shakes head* FUCK!

Step 4: Fuck this, I'm playing an ugly old man.

(Step 5: In the next game, I am going to play an old woman with the coolest backstory ever, because I owe it to myself to start actually trying to do this, even if I enjoy crossplaying like whoa.)

Edit: This merits actually editing the post over: Aubrey pointed out that I was being a dickweed about the backstory thing, and she's totally right. My problem is, I have a hard time feeling comfortable with playing a woman that defies the stereotypical Girl In Movies character-- and I don't like that about myself. Sri was a big step towards getting over that in a situation where I actually played the character (It's worth noting that I've got characters like Ermeridane and Matachin, but they haven't really seen the light of day). Anyway, my apologies if the above looks like I'm saying girls can't have awesome backstories. I'm saying the opposite: they totally can, and I feel like I need to make efforts to show how awesome girls can be by playing them more instead of hiding in my cozy crossplaying corner.

Comments

[armaina]

I'm curious as to why you're less comfortable giving the same exact backstory to a woman as you would to a man. I mean, maybe it's just me but it feels like it's implying women can't have the same backstories if they're 'bad'.

I feel like I need to introduce you to Mon Capitan, a 40 year old, 6'5', Scarred, Olive skinned, Black haired, Cigar Enjoying, Explosives Lovin' Lady. She was originally a character for something else, but I'm going to be playing her in another table top game with friends and I am excites :D

[dev_chieftain]

No, Aubrey, I don't feel comfortable thinking in detail about the kind of graphic violence I usually commit against my male characters in their backstories if it's a woman because I am one, so it feels more real. I feel completely confident with making female characters that are interesting, but I frequently play male characters who've been horribly tortured and shit like that.

[dev_chieftain]

Basically, I feel like I should be allowed to play whatever I want in a tabletop game, but at the same time I feel like by never playing an old woman instead of an old man, I'm somehow a failure at upsetting the status quo. However, roleplaying is not a job, and I enjoy playing gentlemen because I can't be one in real life.

Aside from that, I also don't feel comfortable thinking in detail about me getting tortured, but I can remove myself from it if I think of it as a man getting tortured. I'm not pleased by it and specifically noted in my post that I'm making efforts to change that about myself. I'm also kind of insulted that your response essentially is to say "Well, I'm way more awesome than you!" since that's not really helpful, and just a little bit on the rude side-- it's not like it's a race, or anything. I'm sure your character's really awesome, but this isn't about a specific character and it's certainly not about "implying women can't have bad backstories". I'm sorry it seemed like that was what I was saying, but I didn't mean what you thought I meant, and I'm a little bothered you did.

[armaina]

My intent was not to make me seem better than you at all, I was talking about my character because I thought you were enjoy her :/ encouragement for making older awesome ladies? Hoping that maybe I could this potential character of yours come to be developed. 'hey our ladies could pal around and be awesome'?

Also I was not making a judgement call on you, I was trying to point out how it sounded to me, and trying to get clarification.

[dev_chieftain]

I'm sorry. :/ I got really frustrated and that wasn't really fair to you. Our old ladies could definitely pal around and be awesome!

I think the fact that I assumed you WERE making a judgment call on me shows that I'm more insecure about this than I already thought I was, though. Again, didn't mean to get all angry.

[armaina]

It's okay, I was just hoping I worded myself well.

aand yeey!

[dev_chieftain]

(Also, it looks like you deleted the other comment you left, but: Yes, the fact that I'm desensitized towards torture of one gender and not the other bothers me on a lot of levels. I feel like it suggests that I'm probably buying in to the social fallacy that only men can get tortured and 'handle' it; I also feel like I'm buying in to what I think of as 'sexy violence', where guys get beat up and tormented sort of as a matter of course in action films and the like, and my basic instinct is oh! poor thing! I wish I could aid that character / I like that character and don't want to see him hurt-- so I'm not saying it's good that I'm blase about it for one gender and not the other, either. I basically just feel uncomfortable with that part of myself all around, which is why I made the post in the first place. If that makes sense? Trying to sort of call myself out by identifying what's wrong with the way I do certain things.)

[armaina]

Yeah I deleted the other comment when I realized you pretty much answered my concerns in your second comment, (wrote it before I read the second one, so oops ) I didn't want to seem like I was just dragging on something you already explained.

So yes, it makes sense.

[dev_chieftain]

Ah, ok. Anyway, once again, I'm sorry for snapping at you!